For as long as I can remember, I have been trying hard to be one thing, have one career path, be one type of person. It has not gone well. In fact, it’s gone about as well as trying to have hair like everyone else’s has gone – which is to say, it's been a total disaster.
See, I was in my forties before I realized that I was never going to have thick straight hair that blew gently in the breeze and always looked good in a ponytail. That is forty-plus years of hairstyle attempts that did nothing for my hair and even less for my self-esteem. Years of hair straightening, curling, shaving, hats and I still look like Kid n Play. And it’s only now that I’ve realized that I’ve been doing the same thing with my “career,” my life plan: trying to fit into someone else’s mold of what success should be. Not just one thing makes me happy so why should I do just one thing? And sometimes after a period of time that one thing makes me so dang unhappy I never want to see it again. Like Oreo cookies. Sometimes Oreo cookies are the best things ever. Every lick, every bite fills me with joy and the day seems brighter. There will be months when all I do is eat Oreo cookies. I’ll sneak them for breakfast. I’ll wait till Husband makes his daily trip to the DIY store and shove two in my mouth. I’ll eat them while I’m waiting for dinner to cook. And then suddenly, without warning, the worst thing I could put in my mouth is an Oreo cookie. My “career” has been like that. For years, theatre was all I lived and breathed. If I wasn’t on stage, I was working backstage or prepping perform or teaching theatre or directing theatre. And in my spare time, I went and saw theatre and friends in theatre and watched documentaries about theatre. Now, the thought of sitting in an audience is torture. Even more unappealing - getting my ass up on that stage and playing at being someone else for two-plus hours and for months at a time. What to do instead? Well, that’s where I’m stuck. That’s where I’ve been stuck for years. That’s why I gravitate back to the stage where my angsty uncertainty is embraced – or ignored. That’s why, as I sit here totally blurry-eyed having just taken the trash out and missed getting into a conversation with the Mayor of Our Street, I have no clue what I should do next. Except, that is, to open the pack of Oreo cookies I’ve got stashed in the cupboard and ignore the problem. Yeah, I’m going to do that!
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AuthorMy name is ej. I'm a girl. I say that because with the short hair and the short initials, folks aren't always sure. More brilliant insights to who I am in About me Archives
April 2019
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