Then I feed the furry beasts and let them outside to digest. It’s their third time out already today; they’ve already sniffed everything and peed on everything else. It should be a quick visit but while Joe Boxer is peeing on the side of a tree, a chipmunk runs out from it’s hiding place underneath and all hell breaks loose.
Joe Boxer chases. Chipmunk runs. Tigger the Dog dashes after them and the three scuffle at the driveway wall just out of my sight. Thinking they’ve just missed catching another chipmunk, I laugh.
But the fracas goes on and Pepper the Wannabe Cat joins in. It’s now a combination of scuffles and grunt growls followed by creepy silence.
I run, sloppily in my slippers, holding my untethered boobs, around the side of the wall to see Chipmunk attempting to get free of the gummy mouth that is Joe. I start shouting, but my panicked “Leave it!” isn’t having an effect on any of them. Then Chipmunk is dropped and before he can scrabble off, he’s picked up by the sharp teeth of Tigger the Dog. Pepper the Wannabe Cat sits at the ready, head tilted, watching, waiting for her opportunity to contribute.
When I’m close enough, I start with the flailing arms. That combined with my flustered shouting has the dogs drop their wet plaything. But Chipmunk is damaged. Badly. He attempts to crawl off, eyes glazed, his hind legs dragging behind him.
I start cussing. I’m outside in my pj’s. I don’t have a shovel or a bag and I’m trying to keep three dogs from having Chipmunk for dessert. Everything sucks. I spot the woodpile and, with a keening squeal, I grab a log and lay it gently over chipmunk in the hopes that the dogs will leave him be long enough for me to get a better disposal plan together.
No dice. Chipmunk again tries to scramble off but he’s looking soggy and pathetic and is in obvious discomfort and the dogs aren’t interesting in just leaving him be. The seconds tick by as I come to terms with the fact that I have no real options here. I cannot let Chipmunk be passed around the by the dogs and I cannot let the poor sucker linger in pain. With my eyes squinted shut, squealing unintelligible curses the whole time I’m forced to grab the chunk of wood and drop it on Chipmunk’s head - three times – until he stops moving.
The sun is still shining but it is no longer a lovely morning. I’ve just killed a being that hadn’t said anything offensive about Mexicans or Muslims or women or poor people or Elizabeth Warren etc.… A wee beast that just had the misfortune of being in the hole below the tree the dog was peeing on. What a world we live in.
After I shower the memory of the murder off my soul, seriously contemplating going back to bed. There's not enough ice cream and potato chips in the house to make this better.