The first sex scene I ever saw in a movie was in Purple Rain. I think, in honor of the passing of the purple one, I think I’ll write about Orgasmic Mediation today.
What you ask? Yeah. What indeed.
I need to back track a bit. When I was five, my evil stepbrother did horrible things to me and as result; I am not a fan of touching. And my mom, who is totally Aspergers (diagnosed by me and my WebMD degree), didn't really express herself in a very physical way. Two years ago when I dropped her off at the airport, she tried to just shake my hand. That odd upbringing combined with evil stepbrother has made touching an issue for me. Hugging me without my permission is a major violation of my space and, quite frankly, freaks me out.
Friends find it funny - not the trauma part of it. That would be just mean and I don't have totally mean friends. No, they giggle at the awkward part of it as they hug me, laughing at my attempts to hide my cringing. And some will try to fix it. Like giving me long lingering hugs to make me "okay" with them. My next-door neighbor in California - a drum circle pot smoking dude - even suggested attending a Cuddle Party to cure me. Yeah, no! Cuddling with strangers in a closed room while in my pj’s is a nightmare come to life.
And then someone suggested I try this new phenomena Orgasmic Mediation and I could. Not. Stop. Shaking. Mostly from the inappropriate laughter the came over me at the imagined scenarios of me in a room doing it. I mean, worse than a fart in a yoga room, trying not to giggle shaking, tears down my face, might die from lack of breath laughter. I mean, no words.
What is it? According to the website …Orgasmic Meditation (OM) ushers Orgasm out of the dark, from the shameful and often consumptive places where it used to be, and into the light.
A partner strokes a woman’s clitoris for 15 minutes with no goal other than to feel, connect, and be present.
Um... a partner does what now to whet now to do what now?
What's worse than strangers trying to hug me? Why that would be a partner 'stroking a woman's clitoris for 15 minutes' in a room with other people watching! WITH other people commenting on how this is making them feel as they apparently guide you to an orgasm!!! AND add in LOTS of people touching other lots of other people’s pussies – and yes, they use the word pussy – in a group situation at the same time and my world is over.
I am seriously alternating between laughing, crying and just plain freaking out over this! FREAKING OUT!!!
And I know I'm coming across as judgey here. I don't mean to. I know for a fact that the screaming in my head over this whole thing is blocking out my PC "you do you and I'll do me" because I cannot EVER see me doing this. I know I have issues. I know we all have issues of some sort but splaying your legs in a room to "feel connected and present" seems like a wack-a-doodle way to go about fixing those issues. Saying "I have these issues with intimacy" and then going to the extreme of doing all this stuff is just - well, there ain't enough alcohol in the world to make it make sense to me.
And then, there are these pictures from the website -
WORSE THAN A CUDDLE PARTY! Like WAAAAAAAAAAAAY WORSE!!! Like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Now I have a bunch of eclectic friends - as is evident by my drum circle pot smoking Cuddle Party attending neighbor. And I'm sure some of those friends have tried something like this and feel that I will benefit from OM. And I'm sure these friends will tell me why OM will work for me and to them I want to say, NO! NO! NO! NO!
I cannot even meditate in a quiet room let alone in a room with a bunch of folk doing it along with me. There is no way I will ever be able to "connect" with myself and "be present" with my knees akimbo and a dude with lube on his gloved hand (!!!) touching my pussy when I cannot survive a Namaste without giggling. And yes I'm snickering when I write that. I'm ten right now, back in health class when the teacher put the tampon in the glass of water and that sucker swelled up like she said it would inside us - things are not okay!
I am all for folks trying to figure out what makes their lives better. What will get them from the starting line to the finish line - in life and in the bedroom but holy WOW this is not for me.
And if any my of my friends send me some lube and gloves as a "Ha ha, tease the repressed ej..." well, I'm putting you on the list of people I take out first when the zombie invasion begins. Seriously. I am not joking. WORSE THAN A CUDDLE PARTY!!!
My name is ej. I'm a girl. I say that because with the short hair and the short initials, folks aren't always sure. More brilliant insights to who I am in About me