On Christmas day, my Grandmother would wear her white slacks – and yes, they were slacks, not pants – her red sweater, a gold bell necklace and a tiny pair of Santa earrings. Christmas didn't feel like Christmas until we heard that gold bell necklace and saw those tiny earrings dangling below her perfectly quaffed hair.
I am now the proud keeper of the necklace and the earrings but I don’t think I’ve worn them once, let alone on Christmas day.
That will change this Christmas because yesterday, while in line to see ICE with three kids, we found ourselves behind this wonder:
Say what you will about the commercialization of Christmas and that the true meaning is lost but when three almost-four-year-old kids spot a woman wearing these, the excitement that is the magic of the holiday is infectious.
Guess what I’m wearing today? Okay, not Santa earnings and a jingle bell - but only because I can't find them. BUT, I will put them on the minute I do because silly things, almost-four-year-old giggles and the memory of my Grandmother is what I need right now.
And no comments on the inappropriateness of those shoes, 9degree temperatures, large slabs of ice and children running about looking like blue Eskimos. To each his own...
On Thursday, as part of my annual body violation, I had to have blood drawn. “I have rolling veins.” I said to the bearded hipster vampire with the needle.
“Rolling veins are not something a good phlebotomist worries about.” He said in a totally patronizing and snarky tone as he wrapped the rubber hose around my arm.
Chastised, I smiled my awkward stupid smile as I made the requested fist. “I just wanted to let you know since lots of folks have had issues.” I said.
Readying his tubes and needles, he brushed my concerns aside with a curt, “Any good phlebotomist can draw blood from any type of vein. Now you’ll feel a prick on three,” and he stabbed the needle in.
Apparently, when he was bragging that, “Rolling veins are not something a good phlebotomist worries about...” he sure as heck wasn’t talking about himself because he sucked. Like SUCKED!!! This is what my arm looks like now. I’ve got a large sliding bruise down my arm complete with a hard lump under the skin at the site of the needle’s intrusion into and THROUGH my rolling vein.
Yeah, I’m so glad that I didn’t warn him that my veins might pose a problem for him. That my years and years of being poked and prodded and bruised wasn’t something to share with him in the hopes that he wouldn’t tattoo me with a motley bruise during the sleeveless holiday dress season. I mean, rolling veins aren’t something “a good phlebotomist worries about.” Right? I’m glad I just kept my mouth shut and let him do what he does well.
Ugh! Husband always says, if someone is bragging about how fantastic they are, they usually suck. And that dude sucked - and not in a cool bad boy vampire sort of way. He sucked in a "Dude. You're totally bad at your job but you think you're good which makes your sucking even worse." kinda way. He sucked in a been bankrupt four times, married three times, has a hideous dead animal wig thing covering his head and still thinks he's better than you kinda way.
Side note - and speaking of asses - Four years ago when I had my hysterectomy, these are the "flowers" the ass of a boss sent me.
And not at all as a joke.
Sigh. The ass of a phlebotomist will leave less of a scar on me than ass of a boss did... And I can't even talk about that blowhard trying to take over the world...
I need a sappy Hallmark movie and chocolate chip pancakes STAT!
Had my annual gynecologist exam yesterday. Always a hoot to have someone poking about in my nether regions while making small talk about the weather. At least this time the doctor got my jokes. Well, most of them. After she examined me – again, always a joy – she told me that my cervix looked like it was “still suspended nicely” and to let her know if that changed.
“You’ll be the first to know after Facebook.” I said.
She didn’t think I was joking.
After a quick meeting with a friend where my mocha was definitely NOT decaf, I went to Costco with Husband. Husband is funny - inappropriate and rude but funny. Husband is even funnier when I’m on caffeine – especially the inappropriate stuff. This is what he said we should get instead of my going to the gynecologist next year.
“It’s only $50,” he said.
And then, when I was telling him the Doctor told me to do Kegels so my cervix didn’t fall out – though she used way more technical language like, “They will help to strengthen your pelvic floor” – Husband said that the possibility of my cervix falling out was all the more reason to put things in it.
The look on the woman’s face next to us = priceless.
Then last night, I spent waaaay too much time looking at prolapses on the Internet. Did you know that a wrestler’s butt prolapsed while he was lifting? Like his insides popped outside his butt THROUGH his leotard. Like I could not look away.
Needless to say, the combo of caffeine and the Internet did not result in the most restful of sleeps. I am, however, up to date on all the horrible things that can pop out of your body while lifting weights. Or pooping. Or sneezing.
Yup, doing my Kegels right now. “And contract and relax, and contract and relax…”
By request - and permission from the author - here is the Star Wars Quiz. Forgive the formatting. I can't be bothered to fix it.
I didn't take the test but I made Husband take it and he missed two. No matter his protests, "I misread the question." won't fix a wrong answer.
I did however watch Captain Kirk in a sappy Hallmark movie so I'm counting that as my contribution to the cause and a free pass out of seeing the Star Trek/War movie later this month.
Anyway, pick those pencils up and begin.
Star Wars quiz. Get 80% on this test to prove you are worthy of going to the next Star Wars Movie and get unlimited popcorn.
1. What planet did Queen Amidala Rule?
A. Tatooine B. Naboo C. Coruscant D. Hollywood
2. Who is Obi-Wans master in The Phantom Menace?
A. Yoda B. Jar Jar Binks C. Queen Amidala D.Qui-Gon Jinn
3. What organization has blockaded the planet of Naboo at the beginning of the Phantom Menace?
A. The Commerce Syndicate B. The Glactic Empire C. The Rebellion D. The Trade Federation
4. Who wrote the story of Star Wars?
A. George Lucas B. Steven Spielberg C. JJ Abrams D.None of these
5. Why wasn’t Obi-Wan able to find the planet of Kamino (where the republic clones were being made)?
A. It was hidden by a cloaking device B. The location of the planet had been purged from the Jedi archives
C. There was no planet Kamino D.Obi-Wans navigation system had been Sabotaged
6. What happened when Palpatine asked the Jedi Order to give Anakin a seat on the council?
A. The Jedi refused and realized that Palpatine was a Sith Lord. B. The Jedi gave Anakin a seat on the council and made him a Jedi Master. C. The Jedi gave Anakin a seat on the council, but did not give him a higher rank. D. The Jedi convinced Anakin to reject the seat on the council.
7. Luke had planned to go to Toshi Station to retrieve something, but his uncle Owen made him stay home and clean up the new droids. What did he want to get at Toshi Station?
A. Hydro Spanners B.To Meet Friends C. Power Converters D. A new Blaster
8. What was Princess Leia’s home planet?
A. Endor B. Alderaan C. Tatooine D. Naboo
9. What was Hans Solo frozen in?
A. Concrete B. Ice C. Carbonyte D. Blue Fisker
10. Why was Hans Solo frozen in this element?
A. To make sure that it will be safe to freeze Luke in it B.It was an accident C. in order to be presented as a gift to Jabba the Hutt
11.Before it was released, the film “Return of the Jedi” had a slightly different working title. It was Revenge of the Jedi (assuming this fact to be true), it was changed because the Director, felt the Jedi would not really be into Revenge. Is this true or false?
A. True B. False
12. In Return of the Jedi, what service does R2-D2 provide on Jaba the Huts barge?
A. Help Navigate B. Serve Drinks C. Provide Entertainment D. Translate
13. The greatest Franchise ever written in History is:
A. James Bond B.Harry Potter C.Hunger Games D. Star Wars
14. ALL Star Wars movies start by having the name “STAR WARS” flash on the screen in yellow and have writing scroll up and away from the camera laying the ground work of the story that is about to be told?
A. True B. False
15. Who is the Supreme Leader of the Imperial Forces?
A. The Emperor B. Darth Vader C. Yoda D. The Jedi Council
16. What is one path to the Dark Side of the Force?
A.Fear B. Love C. Hunger D. laughter
17. What happened to Lea's home planet?
A. It was destroyed by the Death Star B. It fell to Imperial ground forces C. It was taken over by the Trade Federation D. Nothing.
18. What are the two main combatants during the Star Wars Saga?
A. The Rebel Alliance vs The Empire B.The Trade Federation vs The Empire C. The Rebels vs The Jedi
D. The Jedi vs The Trade Federation
19.Whos side is Luke on in this conflict?
A. The Rebellion B.The Trade Federation C. The Empire
20. The Emperor is a Sith Lord that used to be the Chancellor Palpatine?
A. True B. False
ANSWERS BELOW THE PICTURE OF TIGGER THE DOG BEING STALKED BY A LADY BUG
Answers: 1: B, 2: D, 3: D, 4: A, 5: B, 6: C, 7: C, 8: B, 9: C, 10: A, 11: A, 12: B, 13: D (Husband missed this trick question. He forgot who the author was!), 14:A, 15: A, 16: A, 18: A, 19: A, 20: A
How did you do? Going to the movie or sitting home like me and watching shlock on TV and loving it? Either way, I hope you enjoy yourself more than Tigger the Dog did when that lady bug attacked.
The people I grew up with are now parents and are doing their best to make their spawn into fabulous human beings. I am in awe of their dedication; impressed with the late night cupcake making, the box top cutting, the nursing pukey children and tons of other stuff that they do or don’t post about on Facebook. I’m aware that we’re all older, responsible(ish) adults and yet I still get the giggles when I see my friend from elementary school put up a post about her twelve years old son. Um, aren’t we still twelve years old? How is she responsible for the care and upbringing of her own twelve year old?
And then there’s this post I stumbled across last night written by my friend from high school. He has three children, two daughters and a son, and a wife that still finds him amusing. He has an important high muckety muck job that requires suits and ties and big words like ‘mergers’ and ‘shareholders’ and ‘we are unable to accommodate your wishes at this time’ - which is just grownup speak for 'No.' BUT, despite all that grownup stuff, he’s still the dork who pretended to blow up garbage cans with his imaginary rocket launcher because, THIS:
So sick and tired of my kids not knowing the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek. They can't go through life not knowing the difference between Luke and Spock. These padawans need to know about the greatest franchise in movie history.
I decided to give them a written test after we watched all six movies. A score of 80% or higher got them a ticket and unlimited popcorn when the next movie comes out later this month.
Oldest Daughter #1 - 95%
Middle Daughter #2 - 85%
Son - 75%.
Son is currently looking for extra credit.
Husband would tell you I will also need extra credit cause I would have failed any test requiring me to tell the difference between the two franchises beyond the simple obvious fact that one has ‘War’ following ‘Star’ and the other has ‘Trek.’ Despite the fact that Husband tells me I sound like Captain Kirk when I talk. I mean, if the plot is more complicated than a Hallmark movie and has even a whiff of science fiction, I’m afraid I don’t care.
Having said that, I’m pretty sure Husband won’t be speaking to me for the rest of the day/year/my life. And that I’m uninvited to the latest Star Trek movie, or Star Wars movie or whatever movie is currently pimping itself silly to every food chain and toy company around. I’m clearly the winner here, extra credit be damned.
Wonder if my friend's son feels the same...
My name is ej. I'm a girl. I say that because with the short hair and the short initials, folks aren't always sure. More brilliant insights to who I am in About me