My old boss is in the news today. She and her family have “come out” as a “modern family.” It’s funny to me because every time I see her, I think of the first time I saw her and the last awkward blind date I had. Two totally odd moments in my life, connected by this gorgeous woman.
I met Boss Lady when I was 21 years old and still thinking that I was going to ‘make it’ as an actor. I was young, shiny, really, really excited to be out of school and I couldn’t wait to make my mark on the world. Boss Lady and two of her buddies had started a theatre/arts/writing program in the challenged neighborhoods in NYC and I was applying for a job. When I got called in for an interview, I was stoked. It was the 90’s – stoked was the word I used lots. I loaded myself onto the subway fresh as a daisy and got off wilted, sticky and not at all fresh. Boss Lady and one of her partners, Boss Man, were sitting in an airless room in some dingy walk up classroom space, a dark, old room with just a few chairs and a table, all of them were beaten down and grimy. I walked in, sweaty and scruffy; saw them and just I lost my breath. Boss Lady and Boss Man were dressed in all white and looked as if they had just been posed for a photo shoot. He was ruggedly beautiful, all scruffy beard and mussed hair. He slouched artistically in his chair and was nonchalantly interested in everything I said. Boss Lady, on the other hand, was absolutely stunning. She just lit up the room and I mean lit it up. It was like she had a special light focused only on her. I’ve seen beautiful women before. They cover the pages of magazines and movie screens but none of them were as luminous and full of life like Boss Lady. And not only was she beautiful but she listened to my every word as if I was the most important person in the world. She was absolutely magnificent and I was thrilled when I got the job. The first step on my own personal yellow brick road. After my contract with them, I moved to Chicago and Boss Lady moved to Los Angeles. I would see Boss Lady more and more as her career grew, first on TV and then in movies. It was not lost on me that we both left NYC at the same time and had gone down such different paths but I wasn't bitter or jealous. Really. It was fun to point her out as my former boss, someone I knew once, my little brush with fame. And then one night my brag got the best of me. I had a blind date with some guy from the Internet and we went to see The Movie My Former Boss Lady Is In. I was the one that picked the movie. I thought it would be a neat idea because “My former boss is in it!” But I never checked to see what the movie was about. Or if it was extra R rated because of naked actor bits. Or, if it would be a horrible and utterly embarrassing movie to see on first date. Which, by the way, it really, really was. If you don’t know the movie, let me sum up the important parts; Boss Lady plays a cocktail waitress and at one point she gets naked and pleasured by Really Great Actor Guy’s character. Pleasured in the way that Actor Married to Welsh Actress said he got throat cancer, if you know what I mean. Pleasured in such a way that someone has put it on a website of the greatest and most influential sexual films and scenes… if such a site was to exist. Which sadly does, and I know it does because I just goggled to check my facts... (Boys, notice no link. You’re on your own.) Anyway Boss Lady was a fantastic actress; she really looked like she was having a great time up there on the screen while I was sitting there, in the dark on a very weird first, (and last), date watching “my former boss’ have an orgasm on the 50 foot screen not having a great time. It is very awkward to see anyone’s lady bits splayed across a 50-foot screen on a blind date. It was excruciatingly painful and crunchy to see your former boss’, the boss you just spent the movie previews bragging about knowing, while on a blind date. It didn’t help matters that my blind date was very excited by her work in the movie. Too excited, if you know what I mean. After the movie we had a very stilted conversation in the parking lot followed by a weird goodbye hug –where I tried to make no body contact at all - and then I blocked him and his account. Heck, I’ve even blocked his name from my memory. Because um, EWWWW. I’m happy that Boss Lady has come out and is happy in her life now. I am also very happy that I’m no longer going on blind dates like that one. And I'm sure you're all happy I’ve learned my lesson. I no longer brag about folks I knew from school or work or wherever. Like that Really Good Looking Actor Guy on the TV show where they solve serial murders…. Or like That Really Famous Football Player that took my class once… Or that Really Famous Funny Actor that slept with my friend… Yeah, I’ve learned my lesson.
0 Comments
Husband and I are now on our second house remodel. We started our first four months after we got married. It was not a great start to marriage. In fact it was a very stupid start to marriage - although, we did survive it and we’re still married so there’s that. It took us seven years to finish our house. Seven years and who knows how many projects and trips to Home Depot. Seven years of making it exactly the way we wanted it– and then we sold the house and bought this flippin’ fixer upper here in Nashville. This Nashville house is in need of a new everything and so here we are, remodeling again, just like when we first got married. The good news is that some things have changed. We know what we’re doing, for the most part. We know when to hire out. And we know how to communicate our wants and needs much better now. I’ve perfected my job as Lovely Assistant. I can say I don’t like something and it won’t turn into a battle. He can tell me how long a project will take and I know to double that time. We’ve grown up and because of that, it’s much easier to work with him than when we first started out. We’ve evolved from that shiny new couple, full of hope and dreams, into this - he doesn’t ask me to assist on things unless he really needs me and I don’t end up in tears when he cusses me out in Scottish slang. Heck, at this point, I’m well versed enough to cuss him back my bastardized version of Scottish slang. Conversations during the remodel usually go like this – (Check out this website should you wish to have all of Husband's side of the conversation translated, not just the name calling.) HUSBAND: Hold the thing, you numpty. ME: I am holding the thing! HUSBAND: Hold it straight. ME: I am! HUSBAND: That isnae straight, you bampot! (Grumble, grumble, bitch, moan…) Not always a nice conversation but we’d perfected it. We’d had seven years to perfect this type of communication. And then his friend came over to help him Saturday and it all went pear shaped. Saturday, when is awesome, cool, funny friend, “Bob” came over, I didn’t have to hold a thing or rush right over when Husband's panicked, “eeejay! Come here reit noou!” came screaming down the hallway. I didn't have to do a thing because his awesome, cool, funny friend held what he was supposed to hold and held it straight. He didn’t ask questions about why he needed to hold things or what was happening next or why Husband wasn't doing it a different way... He just held the thing and they chatted about random stuff and everyone had a good time. And I thought it was a good thing, the best thing ever… until yesterday. Yesterday, when Husband was up in the attic, bent over in an unnatural crouch, peering down a hole in the plywood and I was in the entryway on a stepladder looking up him through the tiny hole between the chandler and the ceiling rose. Yesterday when, balanced on the top of the stepladder - the step you’re not supposed to step on –I was instructed to pull the wires and the yelling began - ME: What wires am I pulling? HUSBAND: The ones right there. The ones I told you to pull. ME: I don’t understand why I need to pull them. HUSBAND: I cut them off. I need you to pull them out. ME: But why? HUSBAND: Just pull the wires! ME: Ok. HUSBAND: Are you pulling the wire? ME: Yes. I’m just not understanding… What I’m doing. How far do I need to pull it? HUSBAND: You don’t need to know. Just pull it. ME: I am pulling it, you ass. HUSBAND: What? ME: I am pulling it. But how far am I supposed to pull it. HUSBAND: JUST PULL IT! ME: I AM! I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU NEED ME TO PULL IT OUT. HUSBAND: THIS IS WHY I LIKED WORKING WITH BOB. HE DIDN’T ASK QUESTIONS. HE JUST PULLED. And suddenly, one lovely afternoon with Bob and Husband and I are back to our first year of non-communication communicating. Only now, not only am I getting yelled at, I’m getting compared to Bob and his perfect rendition of Lovely Assistant which, apparently, puts mine to shame. ME: Ah love remodelin’. Sae much fin isnae? Cannae dae some mair? AND another story to add to our ANIMALS FOUND DEAD IN OUR LOVELY NEW HOME files: Husband found this in the base of the two front door lights. In case you can’t tell what that is, it’s a pile of dead bug carcasses, laying on the ground between the lights that were their final resting place. Well, until yesterday when he replaced the lights and emptied the dead bug carcasses onto the front stoop. As you do with dead bug carcasses. Now, instead of the big massive crematoriums that were our front lights, we have these dinky little lights that really should cut down on the murders. Well, at least on the unintentional murders. Onie spider near mah scratcher is gonnae gie it! (One spider near my bed is gonna get it.)
|
AuthorMy name is ej. I'm a girl. I say that because with the short hair and the short initials, folks aren't always sure. More brilliant insights to who I am in About me Archives
April 2019
Categories
All
|