I met Boss Lady when I was 21 years old and still thinking that I was going to ‘make it’ as an actor. I was young, shiny, really, really excited to be out of school and I couldn’t wait to make my mark on the world. Boss Lady and two of her buddies had started a theatre/arts/writing program in the challenged neighborhoods in NYC and I was applying for a job. When I got called in for an interview, I was stoked. It was the 90’s – stoked was the word I used lots. I loaded myself onto the subway fresh as a daisy and got off wilted, sticky and not at all fresh.
Boss Lady and one of her partners, Boss Man, were sitting in an airless room in some dingy walk up classroom space, a dark, old room with just a few chairs and a table, all of them were beaten down and grimy. I walked in, sweaty and scruffy; saw them and just I lost my breath. Boss Lady and Boss Man were dressed in all white and looked as if they had just been posed for a photo shoot. He was ruggedly beautiful, all scruffy beard and mussed hair. He slouched artistically in his chair and was nonchalantly interested in everything I said. Boss Lady, on the other hand, was absolutely stunning. She just lit up the room and I mean lit it up. It was like she had a special light focused only on her. I’ve seen beautiful women before. They cover the pages of magazines and movie screens but none of them were as luminous and full of life like Boss Lady. And not only was she beautiful but she listened to my every word as if I was the most important person in the world. She was absolutely magnificent and I was thrilled when I got the job. The first step on my own personal yellow brick road.
After my contract with them, I moved to Chicago and Boss Lady moved to Los Angeles. I would see Boss Lady more and more as her career grew, first on TV and then in movies. It was not lost on me that we both left NYC at the same time and had gone down such different paths but I wasn't bitter or jealous. Really. It was fun to point her out as my former boss, someone I knew once, my little brush with fame.
And then one night my brag got the best of me. I had a blind date with some guy from the Internet and we went to see The Movie My Former Boss Lady Is In. I was the one that picked the movie. I thought it would be a neat idea because “My former boss is in it!” But I never checked to see what the movie was about. Or if it was extra R rated because of naked actor bits. Or, if it would be a horrible and utterly embarrassing movie to see on first date. Which, by the way, it really, really was.
If you don’t know the movie, let me sum up the important parts; Boss Lady plays a cocktail waitress and at one point she gets naked and pleasured by Really Great Actor Guy’s character. Pleasured in the way that Actor Married to Welsh Actress said he got throat cancer, if you know what I mean. Pleasured in such a way that someone has put it on a website of the greatest and most influential sexual films and scenes… if such a site was to exist. Which sadly does, and I know it does because I just goggled to check my facts... (Boys, notice no link. You’re on your own.)
Anyway Boss Lady was a fantastic actress; she really looked like she was having a great time up there on the screen while I was sitting there, in the dark on a very weird first, (and last), date watching “my former boss’ have an orgasm on the 50 foot screen not having a great time. It is very awkward to see anyone’s lady bits splayed across a 50-foot screen on a blind date. It was excruciatingly painful and crunchy to see your former boss’, the boss you just spent the movie previews bragging about knowing, while on a blind date.
It didn’t help matters that my blind date was very excited by her work in the movie. Too excited, if you know what I mean. After the movie we had a very stilted conversation in the parking lot followed by a weird goodbye hug –where I tried to make no body contact at all - and then I blocked him and his account. Heck, I’ve even blocked his name from my memory. Because um, EWWWW.
I’m happy that Boss Lady has come out and is happy in her life now. I am also very happy that I’m no longer going on blind dates like that one. And I'm sure you're all happy I’ve learned my lesson. I no longer brag about folks I knew from school or work or wherever. Like that Really Good Looking Actor Guy on the TV show where they solve serial murders…. Or like That Really Famous Football Player that took my class once… Or that Really Famous Funny Actor that slept with my friend…
Yeah, I’ve learned my lesson.