When your dog was stupid enough to hit the patch of ice on the front steps at full speed and gash a large chunk of her leg and requires staples and drugs and a cone, don’t be fooled by those big puppy dog eyes and forgo the cone of shame. She will wait until you leave the room to take her big sloppy tongue and lick that sucker gooey. Then, when you get that cone on her, leave a note for Husband to keep the cone on or else, know he will fall for the eyes and the whimpering “Why are you doing this to me? I thought you loved me?” and cave like the softy he is. This means you are the evil one who forces the cone of shame and other atrocities onto the poor undeserving dog forever. You will have to counter that dishonor by smearing her pills in peanut butter knowing that your fingers will smell forever of nuts and the sticky stuff will be all over the cone, dog and furniture.
When you’re assisting a two-and-a-half-year-old in a public bathroom and you’ve gotten him out of his shoe and one leg of his undies and sweatpants and onto the toilet, don’t crouch down in front of him while holding him so he doesn’t fall in. He doesn’t need your help. Because, even if the stream of pee is heading down into the toilet, if you turn to make sure the stall door is locked, he will look up to see what you’re doing. And, when he looks up, the pee will no longer stream into the toilet but will change directions and angle up just enough to pee all over the front of you. When that happens, be thankfull you’re in a stall with lots of toilet paper. Did you know two-and-a-half-year-olds think peeing on you is fascinating? They do. They will tell you, repeatedly, that they peed on you. And know that this little dude is way smarter than you. The next time you take him in, he will inform you and everyone in the bathroom that you have to “stand over there” near the door so you don’t get peed on again.
When you’re driving into your friend’s driveway and you can see that the drive is icy with a few clear ruts where her very large SUV drove, don’t think your dinky Smart Car can make it up the drive. And, when your dinky Smart Car actually manages, on the third try, to make it up to the dry ice free spot on the driveway, turn that sucker around, even if it’s a fifty-point turn. That way, when you leave your friend’s house and try to reverse down the driveway, you don’t hit the icy patch and slide slowly off the drive and onto the frozen lawn. Then, when your husband comes to tow you off the lawn, pretend you’re as smart as that two-and-a-half-year-old and “stand over there” while he navigates the large icy patch in front of her garage you’d avoided, slides all over the place but still manages to get the dinky car down the drive for you, don’t get angry when he starts to lecture you about your driving choices. Especially when you finally make it home and he tells you he doesn’t understand why you thought you reverse down the drive “because you’re rubbish at it.” and that you were “driving too fast for road conditions.” Just laugh in his face and point out that you gave him an opportunity to use his new towrope, thank him and leave the room. You’re not two-and-a-half-years-old. He’s not the boss of you.
When you’re teaching a class of six through ten year olds and you ask them to figure out what kind of person you might be based on how you look, try to see the humor in the situation when they tell you you are old because you have grey hair. And try not to blurt out loud “I don’t shave the sides of my eyebrows!” when the ten year old tells you he thinks you do. Or when you have them walk around the room pretending they’re different ages, don’t read anything into the eight-year-old who is acting out forty by lying on the floor dead. Or the nine-year-old using a cane and hobbling about as a fifty-year-old. They're not two-and-a-half. They don’t know anything. Just be thankful they didn’t say you smell like pee and move on.
My name is ej. I'm a girl. I say that because with the short hair and the short initials, folks aren't always sure. More brilliant insights to who I am in About me