While the Mom is here, she gets to use the lovely brown granite guest bathroom with the tub that doesn’t drain properly because it has a P-trap or doesn’t have a P-trap and an S-trap. It does or doesn’t have something in plumber speak that means the tub won’t drain. I was very apologetic but she was fine. I should I remembered. At the Mom’s house, showering is a many-stepped process. Step One: Put a bucket under the tub faucet and catch the cold water coming out of the tap so that it can be used in the garden. Step Two: While the bucket is filling with cold to warm water, adjust the curtain on the window – which is boob height on an average person - so that the folks on the sidewalk don’t see any naked bits and bobs, and pull the shower curtain tight to the wall as a security measure. Step Three: When the water is finally warm, pull the shower curtain back enough to remove the bucket from the shower/tub and engage the shower by pulling the diverter thing down. Step Four: Ensure the shower curtain is carefully tight to the wall, disrobe, use shower curtain to cover one’s front while carefully stepping into the shower tub and holding the window curtain tight to the wall on the right so the folks on the sidewalk/street don’t see one’s naked top half. Step Five: Scoot over to the faucet and adjust the temp with one hand while pulling the window curtain tight to the left so that the folks on the sidewalk/street don’t see one’s naked jiggly bits. Step Six: Shower Step Seven: Turn off water and reverse steps four through six. Step Eight: When the shower curtain is tight to the wall, proceed to dry and dress. Simple? NO! Last summer, while staying there for work, this totally happened to me while attempting to shower - I accomplished tasks one through three and was halfway through step four when I spotted the bottle of isopropyl alcohol on the counter. "That might work to wipe off some of the black paint on my nails.", I thought... When I opened the spray tip, it broke off. Not seeing that as a warning of what was to come, I turned the bottle upside-down and squeezed. The 20+ yr. old plastic bottle promptly burst into pieces, spraying alcohol goop all over the bathroom, my hair, my eye, my body etc. I dropped the bottle in the sink and attempted a quick clean up with toilet paper - which rapidly disintegrated into paste. One eye dripping with goo, I proceeded to skip the rest of step four, quickly stepped into the shower and shoved my head under the spray. Neglecting to pull the window curtain tight on the right and, therefore, exposing myself to the masses outside. I didn’t care. Alcohol in the eye isn’t pretty. Minutes later, with it out of my eye and the burning now a warm glow, I managed to pull myself together enough to finish step five through eight. Well, only part of eight… I stepped out of the shower and onto a big glob of the alcohol goo on the floor and only just managed to catch myself before completing a fall worthy of the Stooges – arms all akimbo, strange grunt yells, the whole deal. During all this I, of course, forgot to complete step eight. Forgot to pull the shower curtain to the wall. Forgot that the folks on the sidewalk were getting a glimpse of my odds and ends and proceeded to just sit down and laugh myself silly while slowly get high from the isopropyl alcohol fumes. It became instantly clear to my why the Mom takes baths. And good thing since a bath is something she’s forced to do here because of the P-trap/S-trap issue. Unless she likes showering in a quickly filling tub with weird bugs that seem to live in the trap swirling about her ankles. And the Mom should totally love the fact our brown granite bathroom is lacking any sort of window covering. Sure, it’s just squirrels, chipmunks and owls getting to see her jiggly bits but I’m happy to do my part to make her feel at home. I'm just that fantastic of a hostess.
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AuthorMy name is ej. I'm a girl. I say that because with the short hair and the short initials, folks aren't always sure. More brilliant insights to who I am in About me Archives
April 2019
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