At one point, during the saga, Husband came in, watched for a bit then grabbed the remote, paused it and said. "Here's my prediction, that guy (pointing to current love interest) is a jerk and she's gonna figure it out and end up with that guy.” (Pointing to the girl’s best friend.)
I looked at him through the haze of fever, shook my head in disbelief and sniveled out a wimpy, "Duh."
I mean, why else would I watch them? They have a beginning, middle and happy ending every time. Sure, it's a predictable happy ending. But where else in this life do we get that? Where else do we know that the jerk is a jerk from moment one and that the hero is the hero? That every bad thing that happens to our heroine will be resolved at the end, usually with her falling in love with a Prince or a surprise million dollars suddenly being found with her name on it.
In Hallmark land, no one will ever be shot and killed or raped or abused. Sure, sometimes they may have been in the past but that’s only alluded to and it’s never anything like a Lifetime movie filled with dark shadows and menacing glances. No, Hallmark land is full of light and shiny happy smiles and sometimes with elves who come to right the wrongs. Love is found in a moment under mistletoe or while he's pretending to be your fake boyfriend/fiancé or when the grumpy rich business man or King or handyman who used to be a stockbroker but is now secretly living the lower to middle class lifestyle, when he bumps into the poor, just fired, raised her sisters kids/own siblings after her parents died a tragic death.
In Hallmark land, best friends and sisters are always available for witty comments and sage advice or for putting your dating profile up on a dating website without your approval. Yet you don't get upset and stop speaking to her or disown her no matter how much it's a trust violation. You just say her name on a sigh and then go on dates with whatever tall dark and handsome dude she’s found for you. And if that sister ran off with your boyfriend years ago, then your resentment and hurt is resolved by the good-looking, well meaning hunk of man that you’ve opened your shuttered heart to.
Mothers are bossy in Hallmark land and never listen to your feelings or wants and needs until the cute guy you've hired to be your fiancé for Thanksgiving/Christmas/your sisters wedding tells her off, then she's all tears and feelings and you forget all the angst and forgive her and instantly forget her lifetime of meddling and that she was plotting against you with your old boyfriend.
My name is ej, and I am addicted to the Hallmark Channel and all the Christmas movies, Thanksgiving movies, Valentines movies, Arbor Day movies… whatever dreck they can put out. I will watch. I get drawn in to the stupidest sappiest ones and cannot walk away, not matter how absurd the plot. I watch the bad ones. I watch the good ones.
I’ve become an expert at picking out the Canadians; even before they speak, and the actors making their first, and often painful to watch, foray into the genre. I applaud the TV stars on their way up and root for the “I used to be someone.” ones on their way down. I have been come a wiz at spotting the Canadian landmarks that are supposed to substitute for New York or Chicago or Los Angeles. The fake snow blankets and fake cold and the fake chemistry amuse me. I know how each story is going to end; when the drama will intensify, when the stakes will be raised and how each and every story will be resolved. And I know that when the happily ever after comes, I will be moderately satisfied yet I cannot stop watching. I cannot stop watching, no matter what Husband says or calls me or how he judges or where he hides the remote when I’m dying on the couch, I will watch. I am ej and I am an addict.
But who can judge my habit when the world is full of evil and there doesn’t seem to be a glimmer of hope that Bruce Willis or Jason Bourne or Jack Reacher (from the books, not Tom not right for the part Cruise) will be stepping in to punch the baddies in the nose and save the world. I mean, we are stupid people steps away from Donald Trump as our president. Donald Trump who will start a war with every country and put everyone who doesn’t look like him on lists or in camps or to death...
QUICK, get me a Hallmark movie right now! I need a predictable sappy happily ever after or I will never leave the house again.