Husband can be a pain ass but I find him to be a funny pain in the ass. His take on life, on certain situations, is so very unique and often, totally and completely inappropriate. But, more often than not, he’ll deliver his inappropriate statements in these one-liners that will put me on the floor. I started trying to keep track of them earlier this year but sometimes I’d be laughing or standing with my mouth open in shock too long get the story behind them written down. Below are a few of the ones from the last three months and my best recollection of how they came about.
Remember, Husband is Scottish so, when reading these, think of Groundskeeper Willie saying them. Husband doesn’t sound like him at all - and would totally be insulted at my suggestion - but imagining Willie speaking really will help to set the scene. Things are funnier with an accent.
This nature thing we have here in Nashville is new to Husband. A few months ago, the only bathroom at the bar we were in was out of order and if you needed to pee, you had to use the port-a-potty "...out in the back, through the yard, behind the trees and to the left of the building..."
Husband went off and came back in a few minutes later quite flustered.
HUSBAND: I saw a possum and nearly sh*t myself!
ME: You didn't really see a possum.
HUSBAND: Well, it was too short to be a ghost!
He once said he was taking a flashlight with him and his phone just to let the dog out.
HUSBAND: In case some creatures are out there plotting my downfall.
I have a tendency to ramble when telling stories, filling them with facts not pertinent to the story, going off on tangents and totally forgetting my original point. Husband’s response after one particularly lengthy story without a point -
HUSBAND: Your stories are like jazz – you use every other note possible.
Sadly I do this when leaving messages too.
HUSBAND: You can talk the hind legs off an answering machine.
Husband has now taken to responding to my storytelling like this -
ME: Blah, blah, blah… and that’s how I burned the banana bread.
HUSBAND: Michelle Pfeiffer?
ME: What does that mean? Michelle Pfeiffer?
HUSBAND: Is Michelle Pfeiffer going to play you in the movie about that story? Cause that’ll be good.
I’m not a great singer. I can sing and I can hold a tune if no one joins in but try to harmonize with me and all bets are off. Husband likes to say that I can’t sing "street", I can only sing "show tune". And he does the quotation fingers every time. He also says I also have a lisp and vibrato when I sing. He finds it fascinating. The other night we were listening to a singer and I asked if I sounded like her at all. His response -
HUSBAND: No. You do vibrato and you do kazoo.
The line he probably says the most to me since I tend to stick my nose in to most every situation.
HUSBAND: Is someone gonna die? No? Then don’t get involved.
We found out a friend of ours was cheating on his wife and we were discussing how it all started while watching them make out at the bar -
HUSBAND: Don't have intimate emotional connections with people who aren't your wife. You know what I mean? Get that girl out of your mouth.
The other night we were talking about wars in America. I couldn’t remember the timeline of one war -
ME: I’m horrible with history.
HUSBAND: That's not true. You’re good at history. Anything that happened between you and me in the last seven years, you remember it perfectly.
Best part about this statement - we’ve been together nine and a half years. He sucks at our history.
When I ask if he’d miss me if I died
HUSBAND: It'd be a whole lot duller without you
There are more and I might share more at a later date but for now, I’ll leave you with this one. I have no idea what the hell happened to make him say this and he’s not here to ask and so, your guess is a good as mine on this one -
HUSBAND: I just needed a beard and an accessible vagina.