I write this with the full understanding that I will lose some potential houseguests. You know who you are. I apologize in advance if you can't get a refund on your plane ticket. Last night, Tigger the Dog went out with Husband for her evening bathroom break, spotted something tempting in the bushes and took off. Snug on the couch playing my online puzzle, I missed this all go down. I only became aware that something was amiss when I heard Husband yelling his head off for TTD in not a very supportive “Get that squirrel/fox/rabbit/deer” way but more in a “GET YOUR BUTT BACK HERE YOU STUPID DOG!” kind of way. I paused whatever crap I was watching, put my puzzle on pause and pulled myself off the couch to look out the window. Husband was standing on the edge of the patio, gesturing for TTD to come back and yelling at me to get the flashlight. I found my slippers and found the flashlight, turned it on and shuffled myself down the basement stairs to the outside patio door. And just as I opened the door, the light from the flashlight scanned across the floor and skittered across a bat. A BAT!!! Now, when I was a kid in Kenya and there was one in my room pooping all over my giant polar bear stuffed animal. I thought it was cool. And I thought my father trying to catch it was funny. And I’m all about the bats being good little mosquito eaters. I don’t like mosquitos so that’s a win. I’ve even got over their pooping all over the kitchen deck and have been taking their guano and feeding the plants. And this bat book made for me by my friend is the cutest thing ever but BATS IN THE HOUSE??? NO! When my heart started again and I stopped shrieking, I opened the door and screeched at Husband to come look at Bat. Husband, not understanding the severity of the situation, shouted at Tigger the Dog to come. He yelled at me to bring him the flashlight. I screamed at him to look at the bat. There was lots of screaming and yelling and freaking out and Tigger the Dog could careless her part in the whole thing. Finally I stopped my freaking out and realized that Bat hadn’t moved. He appeared to be dead or playing opossum or trying to hide by not moving. Whatever the reason, Bat wasn’t going to jump up and fly in my Criss Cross hair and get stuck. This terror eliminated, I got curious. I’ve never seen a real bat up close. Well, I’ve been in the attic and at the zoo but every time I got close to looking at those, I was sure some weird thing would happen, the glass would suddenly melt away and I would instantly end up with bat in my hair. But this guy, this Bat wasn’t going to move because he was Dead Bat. So, I did what any normal person would do in that situation. I took pictures. Well, I made Husband take pictures because I am awful at pictures. This is totally morbid but this is what Dead Bat looked like before I scooped him up with a dustpan held at arms length and took him outside. Now we have no idea how bat got inside. He'd been there at least a week since he was covered in the cinder block dust from the stud removal project I started but then abandoned last week. The basement is unfinished as of yet. Don't judge my housekeeping. It's like a garage right now. A very dirty, dead bug littered - and apparently dead bat - crap filled garage.
Husband’s theory, which is probably more likely, is that Dead Bat flew in the garage door when we came home one night, couldn’t find any food and died of starvation. My theory, which is less awful to imagine, is that Dead Bat was very, very old, was looking for a place to rest his weary bat bones, found the corner of the door outside, died and then when I opened the door, he fell inside and landed in the corner. I like my story better. It’s less depressing and it means we’ve not had a bat inside the house for an unknown amount of time flying about looking for an Afro to get stuck in. I slept under the covers last night just in case he had a lady Bat friend looking for him.
2 Comments
allie
8/14/2014 03:41:21 am
nope. no scooping up of dead bats ever for this grrl. i'm squicked out even thinking about it. that's the stuff i make TGF do.
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ej
8/14/2014 04:56:48 am
I'm TGF in my relationship with Husband. To a point. More than one dead bat and I'm calling a professional.
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AuthorMy name is ej. I'm a girl. I say that because with the short hair and the short initials, folks aren't always sure. More brilliant insights to who I am in About me Archives
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