The end of every year brings about an evaluation of my past self and a want, a wish, a goal for my future self. As my day of birth is just before the end of the year, I think I get extra intense about the introspection and overly optimistic about the possibilities for change.
Or I did. Now I’d like to think I have gotten more realistic about what I’m capable of within a given year and more aware that what matters to me and my self-growth isn’t always what the masses choose to attempt. Weight loss, for example, isn’t something that drives me. It’s something I should do, especially if I don't want to buy new clothes, but don’t want to do so it doesn’t make the list anymore.
A few years ago, I realized I was living in fear of things. I didn’t try new things because everything scared me. I spent the year trying to do things that terrified me. Riding a roller coaster, flying a very small two-person plane, sharing my poems with a friend, all things that kept me up at night and not one of them killed me. And I learned a lot about myself, and not just that I can scream very, very loudly.
This year, I’d like to focus on truth. I’d like to spend the year actively working on being honest. Why? Well, because I’ve come to realize I lie. I lie a lot.
And by a lot, I don’t’ mean “I don’t know why he’s dead and why my fingerprints are on the bloody knife.” kind of lies. More like the little white lie to the waiter as I’m choking down my dry chicken, “Oh no. Everything tastes great!” Or there's “Yes. I did find everything I was looking for.” lie to the checkout girl as she rings up everything I’ve put in my cart but the one thing I came in for that I couldn’t find or they didn’t have. Or, “No, it doesn’t bother me that you said that thing or didn’t say that thing that’s left me sobbing in the corner.”
Well, no more. I’m going to spend this next year being truthful. I’m going to cut down on the little white lies and live a more honest – at least with myself – life.
My goal isn’t to hurt anyone. I’m not planning to go around telling people they do look fat in those jeans or that their song and their singing sucked or I hate their stupid face. I am in the South after all. We can say all that with a smile and a simple "Bless your heart." No, I’m just going to try and think before I automatically respond. I'm just going to try and say what I really mean, what I really think, be who I really am inside my weird little head.
Now, is this going to change my life? I don’t know. I can only hope that it makes me more aware of who I am and what I’m saying. And maybe, just maybe, I will spend less time thinking, “I should have said…” and regretting that I didn't and spend more time just breathing.
Happy day of birth to me!
My name is ej. I'm a girl. I say that because with the short hair and the short initials, folks aren't always sure. More brilliant insights to who I am in About me