My Kitchen hates me.
We bought this house, a fixer-upper, ten months ago. Actually, Husband bought the house. I had only seen the pictures online but, while the kitchen wasn’t my style, I thought it wasn’t horrible.
But then we moved in. And the Kitchen formed an instant dislike to me. And, I can safely say the feelings were totally reciprocated. In full!
The dishwasher washes the dishes like a petulant teenager – which is to say not really at all. It chooses which morsels of food to wash off and which to keep on – and the pieces it keeps are all the large chunky bits that get baked on like a ceramic textured bobble and then you need to rewash each dish since after you pick off the stupid ceramic textured bobble, there’s a grease mark or a stain or whatever and it’s too gross to put back into the cupboard.
The double oven is pissed off at us and every thing we put inside it. That’s why it chooses to burn the back half of anything and everything. If you want to cook anything, you have to turn it every five minutes. That’s the bottom oven. The top oven hates us so much it doesn’t work. At all. It just stares at us with its tiny window that says, “Bend down fool. I’ll take nothing you offer.”
The sink was once that lovely white enamel sink I thought I’d like. I don’t. It stains. Leave a tealeaf on it and it’s stained. Let the tap drip; it’s stained. A burnt bread pan will result in a pattern of the bread pan and the discolored stream of wet bread burnt bits as they headed to the drain. Neither side is big enough to wash a pot. Try a frying pan and the thing marks up worse than a wall with a toddler and a crayon. The stains have made the sink very angry and so – and this might be my favorite part - turn on the garbage disposal in the right sink section and it will shoot water four feet high out of the drain in the left sink section, spraying everyone and everything with all the gross stuff that the disposal hadn't quite finished with but hung onto for a few weeks until it was slime. The left section is where we keep our dish drainer so I have to rewash every dish after each use because of the fountain of goo that I forget will be coming out the drain every time I click the garbage disposal button.
Then there’s teal blue counter top – yes, you read that right – the teal blue counter top - is warped in every direction and flaked with the probably toxic paint the realtor painted the house in. I’m upset that it might be toxic paint but even more traumatized that it’s such a bad paint job. It’s flat cream-ish yellow paint that someone applied with a roller but only put on one coat. The teal blue paint shines on through the crap paint job on all the cupboards and shelves but one inside cupboard door. Really not sure why or how they missed that one, but they did. It drives me as crazy as that stupid one pant leg up, one pant leg down phase the kids were going through.
I do love the teal blue doorknobs on the badly painted cupboards but they don't function as they should when one is pulling open a painted shut door. That is if the cupboard door would even open past the vent hood. What dumbass designed this?
And how much of a dumbass am I that I can’t remember it does that and open it into the vent hood every time? Don’t answer that.
Of course, I wouldn’t even be using that cabinet if the ones on the other side of the Kitchen hadn’t been filled with rat poop when we moved in. FILLED WITH RAT POOP. I cleaned them out and sprayed and bleached but I just couldn’t bring myself to put anything in there. Seriously gross.
My Kitchen hates me and, when your Kitchen hates you, you remodel - so your Husband can hate you and you can hate him. We started the remodel project this weekend with Husband removing the pantry door. And finding these. Millions and millions of these! Thankfully, old and crispy but still - EW! Well played Kitchen. Well played.
My name is ej. I'm a girl. I say that because with the short hair and the short initials, folks aren't always sure. More brilliant insights to who I am in About me