Husband's Fast will be better known to me as the weekend I ate everything Husband didn't or couldn't.
It was like something straight out of the Hungry Caterpillar book: On Monday, ej ate an apple... Only my version in the book would be more like: On Saturday, ej ate a bowl of honey nut Cheerios, a double cheese burger and fries and eight chicken wings and six fried broccoli cheese balls, drank a pint of cider, a taste of a White Russian, a taste of a Bad Apple and a chocolate shake... On Sunday she was sick.
Meanwhile, back at the house, husband drank water and sat on his tower of right and dropped pounds as quickly as his face dropped wrinkles.
While his friends on social media posted pictures of their breakfast and lunches and dinners, he held strong. Even as the commercials on TV showed delicious shots of magnum ice cream bars shimmering with beads of chocolate and burgers glistening with taste. A moan might have passed his lips as he sucked his on his ever-present glass of water but he did not eat.
Amazingly his mood was steady – disgustingly positive and peppy. He spent most of Saturday morning in bed and then settled on the couch, showered and rested, to watch TV for the rest of the day. He drank countless glasses of water, sipping slowly through his straw. He made comments to the snarky posts from friends and spent a good amount of time telling me how surprisingly good he felt.
His Sunday wasn’t as perky. He emerged from the bedroom around the same time but not showered and shiny, more Oscar than Felix, all slovenly and grumpy. He assumed his position on the couch but, other than telling me that the wrinkles in his face had softened, he didn’t offer much information on his digestive system. Thank whatever god you believe in for that! He was starting to count the hours, ticking them off as he wandered into the kitchen for more water, planning his first meal as he unconsciously rubbed his belly.
He invited me to have lunch with him Monday at the Pharmacy – a burger place worth breaking a fast for – but I was quite unsupportive of the choice. A massive burger and fries for lunch after three days of just water? The end result could only be disastrous and I wanted no part of that. Thankfully he listened to me, researched what to eat when you break a fast and his gluttonous return to food was sadly reduced to fruit drinks. His mood dipped further then. I was only slightly sorry. As wife to Husband, I have heard more than my fair share of bathroom stories. This is one I wanted to avoid.
While he plotted his return to food, I tried to not eat in front of him while I tried to make up for my piggishness of the day before. I scarfed up my bowl of cereal while sitting tucked in the corner of the kitchen counter, head bowed over the bowl, trying to keep the spoon from clinking the sides and the milk from slurping. I skipped lunch, mostly because I was in a good book and forgot to eat before leaving for a meeting, and had a half sandwich when I came back. I was doing much better than Saturday’s excessive eating. And then my good intentions went to hell. The more he moaned about not eating, the more I wanted horrible things for me. Every time husband left the room, I snuck food from the fridge. And by ‘food’ I mean chocolate. Lots and lots of Chocolate Orange Slices and Recess Peanut Butter Pieces were shoved into my face every time he was out of the room on a pee break.
About the time Husband started to get really cranky and unfocused and snappy, the sugar kicked in and started laughing. The laughing didn’t help his cranky mood and just made his snappiness worse. We were seconds away from a blow out when I put myself on time out in another room and hid in a book. Frustrated and unsettled, Husband wandered about trying to decide if it was too early to go to sleep yet. Finally, in order to speed up morning, we both gave up and went to bed.
And now, here we are, on the other side of the fast. YEA!!!
I am excited to not talk about how Husband looks and feels for a while. I am ecstatic to not have to feel the wrinkles on his face and agree that his neck does indeed look thinner. I’m thrilled not to talk about food; how it will taste, what he'll eat first, how his diet will change. I’m hopeful that my sneaking chocolate and binge eating will subside now that I can eat in front of him again.
But mostly, I am hoping that the fast worked, that Husband's immune system has been reset and he feels better.
Because if it hasn't worked, not only might this horror happen again but my helpful nagging Husband to go the doctor will have to begin again and I am WAY over that.
My name is ej. I'm a girl. I say that because with the short hair and the short initials, folks aren't always sure. More brilliant insights to who I am in About me