Because it’s my cheek, of course, it is infected. My right cheek is swollen and I’m talking like my jaw is wired shut. It’s very sore. And, after all these years of watching CSI this big city and that big city, I have mental images of the cooties traveling from my rabid mouth, into my bloodstream and lodging themselves in my heart. I’m not exaggerating. This article, that is written in more technical terms than ‘cooties’ and ‘rabid mouth’ proves it. Not necessarily that it will happen. Just that it could. And this article here - yes, it’s WebMD but ignore that. But this one has has a fifth grade style video of the heart functions, should you be so inclined to watch.
You see the cooties can possibly kill me because I have a mild tricuspid valve leak and a mild mitral valve leak. Apparently, lots of healthy folks have these and never find out that they do - but that’s not the focus of my panic here. I'm not healthy in body or mind as Husband would say.
I found out I had a tricuspid leak years ago, when I vasovagal-ed and wound up nose down on the tile floor at my mother's house. The doctor checked to see why I passed out while seeing her to confirm my nose wasn’t broken. (It wasn't.) Apparently passing out when you stand up to get the phone is not a normal thing.
Neither is passing out in Costco. Yes, the store can be totally overwhelming but that’s not why I went down. I hit my knee on the cart, the world spun slowly to black and suddenly I was a puddle of me needing clean up on aisle three.
Anyway, lots of ultrasounds of my ticker and one fake patient study at Stanford where a dozen wanna be cardiologists took turns trying to hear the "whish whish leak" of my ticker... Talk about an awkward conversation – held thirty times in one day.
WANNA BE HEART DOC: Um… ma’am. My name is Dr. WannaBeHeartDoc. Can I... um… lift up your left breast to listen to your heart?
ME: You may.
WANNA BE HEART DOC: Um.. I’m not hearing anything. Can I… um… move your left breast to the side?
ME: You may.
WANNA BE HEART DOC: Um.. I’m still not hearing anything. Can … you lie down on the table and put your hands over you head and um… turn your body this way and your left breast that way and um…?
ME: You didn't say Simon Says...
WANNA BE HEART DOC: I don't get it...
It was a long day. I gave the highest points to the guy who warmed his hands up before touching me and complemented my bra.
Where was I? Oh, yes. Years ago I was diagnosed with a mild tricuspid and mild mitral valve leak and now I've I bitten my cheek and it’s infected. And that, dear friends, is all I need for a pessimistic optimistic planning session.
I’ll have notes on my funeral wishes set by the end of the day and will work on finishing a poem or story or something meaningful about my life or the meaning of life or why the dog is ticking me off or something for Husband to post. And then, when my heart implodes or whatever it does when infected by mouth cooties, and I die, Husband will be selling my car. Anyone interested in a mustachioed Smart Car, call him now.
Goodbye dear world. You've been interesting.