I have just experienced the wonder of my first Dollar Tree shopping spree and it, very randomly, reminded me of a worried phone call from Brother about Mom’s nipples.
Confused? Yeah, you should be. It’s not what I expected either.
You see, I’m making an ugly Christmas sweater and figured I’d give the Dollar Tree a go for supplies. This lovely, rotund man who couldn’t have been more on fire if he tried, made some fantastic suggestions in the Christmas aisle and then sashayed down to crafts to show me the glitter glue possibilities. If I just pin the wonders I’ve found onto a sweater, I’m a sure for the win. All for the lovely price of ten bucks. Picture will be posted when I finish. And notice I said ‘when I finish’ and not ‘if I finish?’ The challenge has been accepted and I’ll be ugliest sweater for the win or bleed trying.
I digress. While standing in the line for checkout, my eyes darting about the store to see what else I might possibly need for a dollar or less, and I spotted this...
When I was nineteen and living in New York, phone calls home were always on a Saturday morning. Mom and I would chat and, if Brother was awake, I’d get a few moments with him. We didn’t have much to say to each other, Brother and I. He was popular and I was this weird sister he was trying to ignore but, this one Saturday, he wanted to chat so Mom passed him the phone. She waited until she moved away and then uncomfortably whispered into the phone something about the lotion mom had on the counter. It was hard to hear him and Mom was in the room so the following was said in an utter, (or udder. Sorry.), hushed whisper.
BROTHER: Mom’s got something wrong with her nipples.
BROTHER: Mom has this cream. For nipples.
BROTHER: It says it’s for sore cow nipples.
BROTHER: Mom has this cream. For sore cow nipples. What’s going on? What is wrong with her?
I was bent over laughing by this point. It was by far the weirdest conversation we’d ever had. Then. We’ve since had way weirder. Anyway, I finally had him put Mom on the phone. Turns out Mom was using Udderly Smooth for her dry hands. Her nipples were fine. Brother was mortified we laughed and totally mortified I’d told Mom he’d been worried about her nipples. Mom and I were both totally amused by my teenage brother’s angst over her potential boob issues.
When I was home for Christmas, I finally got a look at the label understood why he might have been confused. Udderly Smooth WAS for cow teats and udders. Brother hadn’t misunderstood the label at all. And we didn't have a cow anymore so...
This is what Brother read, what the label said:
Wash udder and teat parts thoroughly with clean water and soap before each milking to avoid contamination of milk. Use clean individual towels for this purpose. Apply to the udder after each milking, massaging into the skin. For teat cracks apply in sufficient quantity to fill crack and cover surrounding area. Apply uniformly to chafed area and bruises to maintain skin suppleness. For aid in softening swollen udders following calving, apply liberally twice daily with gentle massage.
I wonder how he’s not scared for life.
I love that there are moments in my day, lots of moments in my life, that can bring me back a memory like this one - a chuckle over a nipple memory while in line for cheap Christmas decor. I love my family.
My name is ej. I'm a girl. I say that because with the short hair and the short initials, folks aren't always sure. More brilliant insights to who I am in About me