Yesterday, while gardening with Mom, I was bit on my knuckle by a back widow. Or a Brown Recluse. Or a Copperhead Snake. My hand has swelled, gotten hot and red and angry and I've got intense pain radiating up my arm.
Sure, it's possible that the rose bushes I was evicting got pissed off and stabbed me with their curvy swords of pain but the snake scenario is obviously more likely. Mom and Husband were equally sarcastic when I mentioned my wounds. It’s like they know me. Neither one of them made any effort to check WebMD for verification of my fatal injury. Sure, Mom has no clue how to do that despite being a programmer for most of her life but Husband? Epic fail dude, on your attempt to earn empathy point from me. And both Mom and Husband were useless in the 'humor ej' category. Even when I mentioned the likelihood of chicken gut infection that might have gotten into my snake bite from the chicken I made for our Thanksgiving/Christmas/Mom’s Eleventh Year Post Transplant/Husband’s Fourteenth Year in America Anniversary, I got nothing but a snort from Mom and the glow of the iPhone screen on Husband's non-attentive face. When I mentioned my funeral arrangements and the large party I'd like thrown instead, Husband left the room to 'work' in his studio, meaning hide from mom and me and our scintillating conversation. When I told Mom which friends should get my stuff and that she'd have to write my final blog post, she just laughed. I got no “so sad you’re dying only daughter of mine” hugs. I got no compassionate wound examination complete with sympathetic tongue clucking. All I was offered was the standard medical advice she has always given me, “Just wash it off and put Neosporin on it. You’ll be fine.” How’s that for love? I am obviously not fine! I told her that Neosporin would only make my dying arm greasy. That as the poison spread through my system and reached my heart, she'd feel bad for giving me such trite advice. Still no pity and understanding, no coddling and gentle compassionate nursing. Nothing. And, her advice given, she just went back to her murder mystery as I lay dying on the couch. Of course it's tomorrow and my arm is still attached and there is no blue-black streak of doom spreading up my arm. Perhaps they were right not to drop everything and drive me to the hospital for emergency snake venom or black widow arm removal but whatever. My hand is still swollen and angry despite my heavy application of Neosporin and a Band-Aid. I better get some intense sympathy today or I quit this family.
5 Comments
Mom's Brain
10/12/2015 01:34:14 pm
ej, this is your mom's brain. After having intuited the contents of the above, I must tell you that I really don't want you to suffer and certainly please not to die before me for any reason whatsoever. That I should appear nonchalant in the face of your fear and psychic pain is inexcusable. Yes, you are my Drama Duchess, but fear theatricalized is still fear. May I never take you for granted. A daughter without drama would be a sorrowful state. So, ej, may I get another chance to show you how much I enjoy seeing you and may I depart (this visit) leaving you, of course, depleted, but also with the knowing that you know how much I love you as you are.
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ej
10/12/2015 03:34:50 pm
"A daughter without drama would be a sorrowful state." RIGHT!!!
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Q.D
10/12/2015 11:25:25 pm
On one hand, the Australian in me is saying "fer fecks sake, go to the ED if you think you have been bitten by a red back!", on the other, the Australian in me is saying "trap that beasty and take it in to the hospital as anti venom stocks are running low!!!!"
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ej
10/13/2015 07:32:43 am
IF it was a spider - black widow or red back or whatever - or snake or whatever, I can guarantee I would be busy screaming and not finding said spider or snake to take in to the hospital!!!
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Q.D
10/14/2015 02:44:38 am
Yeah, i guess catching the wildlife is a particularly Australian thing to do :D Leave a Reply. |
AuthorMy name is ej. I'm a girl. I say that because with the short hair and the short initials, folks aren't always sure. More brilliant insights to who I am in About me Archives
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