Last night was the Golden Globes and I watched, as I do each year, with fascination and total awe. It’s like having an inside seat at the popular table in High School, a place I never sat. It’s got the Pretty Blondes and the Pretty Brunettes in both sexes saying charming things to each other during the commercial breaks that we, the audience can’t hear, but make the other Pretty and Charming people laugh with their shiny white teeth and shake their luminous carefully colored manes.
I will never be one of those people – not that I’m not charming. I can be. And not that I’m not ‘pretty’ - I am after all Robin Roberts at least twice a week - but I don’t seem to have a few things figured out that they seem to have mastered. Like their smooth, hairless underarms. And their lack of sweat stains. Or fuzzy jiggly bits that seem to pop out of any type of Spanx I put them into.
After watching the Pretty Charming people wave at other Pretty Charming people in their very expensive dresses and nary a hair or shadow of a hair was spotted, I went online to look up laser under arm hair removal. Unquestionably THE WORST thing to do before you go to bed is to look up some type of surgery and then click on the things that could go wrong pictures. And let me tell you, there is A LOT that can go wrong. And I am one of those people that will keep looking - eyes squinting, nose crinkled in disgust but still looking. That was some nasty stuff that could go wrong - that HAS gone wrong for some people.
So, laser hair removal is out. Good-bye prepubescent underarms.
And, did you know that when you look at pictures of laser hair removal gone wrong, they could lead to looking at pictures of plastic surgery gone really wrong? Well, you do now.
Husband and I talk about plastic surgery a lot. A lot for two people who really put little effort into how they look. Or rather, put some effort into how they look but look like they put no effort into how they look. I can hear Husband saying I should speak for myself but I call his wearing a hoodie from Old Navy over a t-shirt from Target ‘little effort.’
Back to the plastic surgery, Husband likes to say he has no chin. Well, that he has a chin but it starts from his belly all the way up to his lips. If he could get plastic surgery, he’d get a chin tuck or, to quote him “the fat sucked out of his neck”. He also says he’d get liposuction from his belly. He likes to say that when we’re eating out and the waitress asks if she can get us anything else. Husband likes to say, “Yes, I’d like some liposuction please.” And she’ll laugh at his pretty charming accent and bring him another diet coke.
I, myself, have never really considered plastic surgery at all. The pain and suffering is enough to put me off but the not looking like your self after really skivvies me out. I will say I did ask, albeit jokingly, the doc to do a tummy tuck while she was removing my baby maker but the reality is it would have all come back since my eating habits are still the same. Bad. Like lately I've been pretending that this chocolate orange counts as my fruit intake. Bad.
Sorry. Squirrel. Last night, after watching the Pretty People with faces that looked a bit ‘off’, followed by pictures on the internet of horrible things that should only be seen in the bright light of day - if ever - no plastic surgery for me.
Although, as I attempted to get dressed this morning and found yet another hole in my sock where my stupid big toe that curls up towards the sky tried to make a break for it and made a hole instead, I will say I am reconsidering that decision. I bet the Pretty Charming people have Pretty Charming feet that aren’t in Clown Size Large because of their weird big toe. I bet they don’t have a drawer full of socks that have holes in the left corner of every sock. I bet that when they wear pretty sparkly sandals in summer, their brother doesn’t make comments about their hobbit feet. I bet…
Dare I Google toe removal?
My name is ej. I'm a girl. I say that because with the short hair and the short initials, folks aren't always sure. More brilliant insights to who I am in About me