When they gave me three tubes of cream at the pharmacy for my surprise case of ringworm, I thought that they were being a bit excessive. I was only to “spread a thin film past the boarder of the inflammation” for ten days. Did I really need three tubes? And then, I spent half an hour in the bathroom panic spreading cream on every little bump that could be something icky; ingrown hairs, zits, moles, wanna be freckles, old scars all got a slather of cream. Pretty sure I went through half a tube and at least five near heart attacks every time I spotted a potential spot that might have grown while I wasn’t looking. By the end of the processes, there was a “thin film” of cream over every inch of me and I was not in the least reassured that it was working. I did not sleep well that night.
Then, a friend of mine who is a nurse told me that you could use bleach to kill the fungus that is ringworm. I, of course, verified this pseudo medical advice via the Internet. Even my good ol’ faithful WebMD actually had information on this. Putting bleach on your body on purpose and not just because you’re clumsy and can’t get it into that tiny slot in the washing machine is an actual thing. But putting bleach on my spots would involve Husband having to put bleach on my spots and, let us face it, that is a lot of ick to add to a marriage where one of you is an OCD weirdo and the other has a flare for the dramatics. Guess which one I am... Thankfully, Internet Doctor Google also suggested a bleach bath as a possibility, which is why Saturday morning found me pouring a few capfuls of bleach into a perfectly good tub of water. Picture me, lying in a tub of hot water and several splashes of lavender bleach trying to convince myself that I’m not crazy and that I won’t smell like bleach for the foreseeable future… and failing. Side note: Husband - and the majority of my male Facebook audience - thinks that bleach smells like sperm. Which means, with that twisted sort of opinion I currently smell like lavender sperm. It is not at all an appealing scent. Or image. It was at this point in the day when a friend of mine called and happened to mention that it could be worse. I could have pinworm. “Don’t Google it.” she said, like she doesn’t know me at all. One Google search later and I spent the next few hours convinced I had pinworm and all the other interestingly gross skin infections that popped up in the image search. What the hell did we do before Google was there to horrify us? Why do horror movies have such a strong audience base? I mean, all it takes is one afternoon of gross disease Googling and I know I won’t sleep at night. Why add a dude with a facemask and a knife into the mix. He’s never going to be as scary as worms that COME OUT OF YOUR BUTT AT NIGHT AND LAY EGGS!!!! I mean seriously. AND THEN, the web page said its common for kids to scratch their butts and then put their fingers in their mouths and start the cycle all over again!!!! SO GROSS!!! I am looking up plastic bubbles you can purchase to live in because that is totally what I’m going to have to do to survive. The only silver lining I’ve found in this lavender sperm weirdness that is currently my life was this article in the UK telegraph about a study at Stanford university in 2013 that “proved” that bleach could reduce ageing. Brilliant. I’m now two bleach baths into apparently reversing my ageing process. It’s possible I could die of excess exposure before my skin hits my wrinkle free teen years but I’ll go out smelling clean. Unless you’re one of my male friends and then apparently, I’ll die smelling like spunk. Sigh.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorMy name is ej. I'm a girl. I say that because with the short hair and the short initials, folks aren't always sure. More brilliant insights to who I am in About me Archives
April 2019
Categories
All
|