You see, Husband hates lots of things; Eating food in other peoples houses, eating in strange places, eating weird food. But highest up on his list is his hatred for flying. Flying on connecting flights. Flying in weather. Flying to places with high elevation. Flying to places with low elevation. Flying when it’s very cold. Flying when it’s very hot… you get the idea. Husband hates flying.
And to add insult to trauma, this business trip has him returning on Friday the 13th. The anxiety level is at bright red over here.
Now, Husband is a smart man, too smart for his own good. He likes to watch the Discovery Channel and its like. Any TV channel that has lots of ‘How To…’ shows and ‘What Went Wrong…’ episodes. He particularly likes all the episodes of ‘What Went Wrong With Every Plane Crash Ever’ and ‘How Everyone Died On A Plane’. He’s watched them all. And now, when he flies, he worries about all of those things. All of the little things that could go wrong; the pilot error, bird strikes, explosions, fires and design flaws. And Husband likes to share his ‘knowledge’ with whoever is around, usually when we’re just about to board a flight or are on the flight waiting to take off, or when we’re about to land. All great times to focus on all things horrific.
Yes, Husband might be a bit nuts but take a gander at this website and scroll down to the Causes By Category section – it’s enough to make me actually tell him he’s right. Which would only serve to make him more insufferable than he already is so that's not going to happen.
Surprisingly enough, we when did have an ‘incident’ last October flying out of Nashville, Husband was very calm. I was the one freaking out as the cockpit filled with smoke and we had to return immediately to the airport where they landed us on a far off runway, quickly evacuated us and sent out fire trucks and men in space suits. Husband was very composed, even when they asked us to leave all our baggage as we were evacuating and this woman pushed her way past him to the front of the plane carrying a very large purse, her large carry-on wheelie bag and a Big Gulp. I almost yanked her off the steps of the plane as she held back everyone from escaping the smoke filled cabin while she slowly waddled her wheelie bag down the stairs, stupid drink in hand. But Husband was very Zen about the whole thing as he waited for her to lug it down the steps and pull it across the tarmac to the safety of the grass. He was, however, very un-Zen like when he told me later where he wanted to shove her Big Gulp…
Now, as a very smart man – and don’t tell him I said that - Husband also thinks he can fly the plane if need be. Like if the pilot of a jet plane got sick and his co-pilot got sick and there was no spare pilot onboard and no flight attendants were available to give it the old college try, Husband could fly the plane.
Without a single lesson ever.
And with his massive, MASSIVE fear of heights.
How massive is his fear of heights, you ask? Once, at Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, he freaked out on the Sky Glider. The Sky Glider that just glides the park from one side to the other at like, the pace of a glacier melting. He was yelling at me to stop moving about and shaking the seats. Screaming and holding on like I did on roller coaster one time –
You’d think someone with this doom and gloom outlook would have a Will ready to pull out before every possible disaster. Even one of those Do It Yourself Will things you can find online. But, nope. Husband has no Will.
He does, however, have a death plan. Apparently you need one if you see danger behind every “Would you like peanuts or pretzels?”
What is Husband’s death plan, you ask? Should his plane be going down or he is lost in the woods or some other disaster has befallen him, Husband plans to write a note implicating all his enemies in evil dastardly events like murders or terrorist plots or whatever. He’s nice enough to include my enemies too.
Consider this your warning enemies. Husband is flying to Boston today where it's 24 degrees and according to him, there are a million things that could go wrong. He's already started writing...